Well, here I am with yet another entry for my Saturday. I am of course still stuck at the radio station, and I just finished sending Brian Baker an email, actually I just finished cutting an email to Brian short to write in here. I got to talking to him about my obsession with the stars and nature, and about what an awesome God we truly do have.  I spend alot time in wonder and thinking about the details that God takes care of that sometimes go completely unnoticed by me through most of my days. It snowed again last night.  The snow is pretty enough if it really were just flakes of white falling from the sky, but it's not.  It's thousands and millions and billions and trillions of tiny wonders from God, each one so delicately designed.  A snowflake is truly a beautiful thing, and I have to sit in wonder at the God that created them. With all that God attends to, the creator of the universe took the time to make each and every snowflake beautiful. I have been fortunate enough to visit both coasts, and the ocean is another one of God's wonders that just leaves me breathless.  It isn't just the vastness nor the depth that leaves me amazed, but when I visited the ocean, the thing that immediate struck was the fact that the waves never ceased. The creator of the whole world has time to make sure that the ocean never stops.  And the seashells under the water.  They were so neat and there were so many of them. Thousands of them. Each one with special designs.  God pays attention to every single detail of everything. When I was little in bible school, we would sing the song, "Jesus Loves the Little Children" you know....all the children of the world, red and yellow black and white they are precious in his sight. I always wonder why God would make people different colors. Why not let us all be one color? It didn't make any sense to me, but only recently has it donned on me how the world's different skin colors is just God paying close attention to another detail. Think about it. A pale white northern European would fry under the sun in Africa.  God must have originally gave humans different skin pigmentations as a defense against the sun. God's awesomeness is revealed in everything in nature. There are several songs that describe my thought and feelings about God's creation very accurately. One of them is by GS Megaphone, the name of the song is Beautiful World. It is a song about a man lying in bed trying to sleep, but he can't ,because he wants to be outside under the stars appreciating God's creation. The chorus says, It's a beautiful world, what a great idea. Another song is by Matthew West, it is called more, and his song brings it all together. 

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of Me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am


And I’m always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I’m spelling it out one by one

Chorus:

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are Mine and you shine for Me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow I’ll say it again and again
I love you more
Just a face in the city
Just a tear on a crowded street
But you are one in a million
And you belong to Me

And I want you to know
I’m not letting go
Even when you come undone

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are Mine and you shine for Me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow I’ll say it again and again
I love you more

BRIDGE:

Shine for Me
Shine for Me
Shine on, shine on
Shine for Me

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are Mine and you shine for Me too
I love you yesterday and today
And tomorrow I’ll say it again and again
I love you more

It's a beautiful song and it sums it all up for me. If the God of all the wonders of the earth cares so much for the details of nature, how much MORE does he care for me? When I feel like I can't handle things and I'm really starting lose it, I can just look into the sky and remember that the God in charge of that sky is the same God in charge of me. What a comfort. Now, this brings me to another subject, and I know I'm being rather winded, but I really need to address this, if nothing else for myself, because it is something I have been thinking about and struggling with especially when I have non-Christian friends asking questions. 

The death toll in Asia has reached over 150,000. Catastrophy is always hard to understand, but I am really struggling with this.  I watch the coverage of it on the nightly news, and I can't help but think, the same God that is in charge of the calm ocean that left me awestruck while on vactaion, is the same God that is charge of the violent ocean that has  taken so many lives, thousands of them children. And now there are children without families, wives without husbands, and husbands without wives, parents without their children. So many are suffering, and it is my God that has allowed this suffering to take place.  It is my God has taken his wonderful amazing awe inspiring ocean to cause so much damage. I am frequently having this thrown in my face. "If your God is a loving God,  then you tell me why? What did those people do? What did those children do? WHY? A loving God that just choosing to kill thousands of innocent people. Doesn't seem so loving." And I weep, because I can't answer this question. Who am I? I'm a lowly sinful human being. God's plan is perfect. I know this and believe it whole heartedly. And I know that God's way is not my way. But still,l when confronted with this kind of tradgedy, I can't help but also ask why? And I'm even more frustrated because the loved ones in my life that don't believe in God who don't know that God's plan is perfect DO look at this and it just gives them even more animosity towards God, it gives them fuel to their arguement against God. And I feel like I'm cornered when confronted, at a time when my faith and witness needs to be its strongest, I'm at a loss for words. Because what do you say to someone who doesn't believe that God even has a plan, when they ask why? Especially when I'm asking why myself. My answer even sounds hollow to myself, "God does everything for a reason. We don't have to know the reason. God's plan is perfect and we just have to trust." At the same time that these wordsd are leaving my mouth, I think to myself, "Why, God? What purpose could this serve?" I really am struggling with this.  And not only with this disaster, but other tragedies in my loved ones life that I don't understand. How am I supposed to reach out to someone, and show him God's love when all he thinks he has ever experienced is the wrath of God. When he angrily shows me his scars, and it's all he has ever known, and he says, "WHY? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE TO DESERVE THESE?" What do I say? Why does God allow such horrible things to happen to such innocent children? What do I say when someone has so much animosity and hatred for my God because he has experienced things that I can't even imagine. I have always known love. I don't come from a broken home and I have never really had to question God's love. Sure when I witness a natural disaster I ask God why? But I've never experienced any kind of tragedy or injustice in my personal life. It's easy for me to say, "God loves me and he loves you." But would I believe that if I had been through the things that others have? Would I want the love of a God that had allowed me to be beaten and abused as a child? Would I want the love of a God that gave me horrible parents. Would I believe in that love, if I had never truly experienced love? As I think about these things it makes me sick to my stomach to know that my answer would probably be no. How can I reach out?  God breaks people's hearts when they have a hard heart, so that he can pick up the pieces and puts them back together. But what about a heart that has never been whole? I'm being confronted with this on a daily basis and I am left with nothing to say because I don't know. I don't know why! I can't answer why! I'm asking why myself, and I'm supposed to be the strong one, the witness. What do I say?

Currently Playing Mmhmm By Relient K see related

I hate that my entries have to be so far apart.  I think about things through the day that I want to put on here and then I remember, "Oh yes, I have to wait until I can use someone else's computer." By then I forget what it is I wanted to say. UGH! Anyways, last night was Friday night, and I've officially decided I'm a loser, well, ok, not a complete total loser, but definately a part time loser.  I worked at the station running the boards for the QHS ball game. (They won, if anyone cares to know.) And then I hung out with Daniel and Chris. We mixed it up a little bit. (Thick sarcasm here, in case you can't hear it in my typing, hee hee.) We went to Wal-Mart. Joy. Gotta love that place.  In Kirksville, Wal-Mart is the place to be. Even in Hannibal, MO if there's nothing else to do, we can count on Wal-Mart being there for our great entertainment. We went to Blockbuster and rented 21 grams. It has Benicio Del Toro( I love his name. If I were a male actor, I would want my name to be Benicio) in it and Sean Penn. Not a bad movie, it was a good idea,  well directed, but a little on the boring side. Well, actually alot boring, I fell asleep in the middle. Daniel and Chris didn't like it either, but they didn't like it for other reasons. It almost reminded me of American Beauty. Not that this movie is in any way shape or form comparable to American Beauty. Because it's not at all. American Beauty was an amazing movie. But, the ending of 21 Grams really reminded me of AB, in the the guy dies and then he keeps talking reflecting on his moment of death and preceding events..."At the exact moment of our death we lose 21 grams...the weight of a chocolate bar....how much can fit into 21 grams...etc.  I would not recommend the movie to anyone who has to watch movies in chronological order, because this one is anything but chronological. It's not even anti-chronological. It's all over the place, kind of hard to follow, but makes sense at the end. Don't pick this movie if you don't like movies that you have to think about as you watch them. Listen to me, I sound like a real movie critic. And hey, why not. I watched the movie and it's my Xanga. So...while I'm on the topic of movies.....especially ones that are kind of hard to follow.....but good none the less. Has anyone ever seen Boondock Saints? If you haven't, you should. This movie is an amazing movie. It's extremely well directed, well acted, and has an excellent plot.  It's one of those that really makes you think, not only while you watch it, but afterwards as well.  I loved it. It's not in chronological order either, but it's easy to follow.  A crime takes place, the FBI agent tries to figure it out , and then they show how it really happened. The crimes are actually murders being committed by two Irish brothers who have decided to play judge, jury, and hangmen, with good intentions if that's possible at all. I really don't want to go into too much detail, because I don't want to give too many details away. I just want to highly recommend the movie. If you are interested you can check out the website. http://www.theboondocksaints.com . Another good movie in the whole, "not chronological" category is Memento.  Has anyone else seen this one? If you have , do you think he killed his wife and that Sam is really Leonard? Or do you think Sam really existed? I never came to a decisive conclusion. I would be interested in anyone's thoughts. OH, and if you haven't seen the movie, it's another good one, check it out. http://www.otnemem.com

Ok, well I'm done reviewing movies for now. Hee hee. I'm stuck at the radio station running the boards all night. I've been here since 2pm, and will probably be here till 11 tonight, or until whenever the NFL Playoff game is over, so I will probably be posting again here shortly.

Well, I had to work at the radio station tonight. Boring stuff...just running the boards for the QND basketball game. Blah! Good news though, you if you are in the listening area,  I'm going to be on the air on Saturday from 10-3 on Real 92.9 fm. Listen to me. I could use some helpful comments! I'm on a friend's computer right now, so I don't really have time to write too much.  I can't really say too much about it now, but please keep me in your prayers. I'm dealing with something pretty big. 

Sorry to disappoint all my wonderful subscribers tonight, but things will get better when I get my own computer.  Then you will once again be subjected to my random and rather lengthy ramblings. Until then, don't forget about me!

Currently Playing Believe By Big Dismal see related

Well, until I can get a computer of my own, I may have to post everyother day for a while instead of every day. (I know all of you loyal subscribers are so upset.) BUT :D Never fear, I will be getting a computer of my own by the end of next week. It has been a long day. I've been stuck inside all day long because of the ice. The first half of the day wasn't bad. I did alot of cleaning and reorganizing things. I had to help my little brother go through his things and that was a trip and a half. He didn't want to get rid of anything. Why? No reason. It didn't matter what it was. He had an empty Starburst package and a piece of tape in one of his drawers. I started to throw them away and he started to cry. Yes, he was crying over two pieces of trash. I know the saying goes, One man's trash is another man's treasure, but my experience with Caleb brought a whole new meaning to that today. I didn't know what to say to him. I just wanted to help him organize his stuff. But here he was crying over the starburst package and piece of tape. So, I asked him, (Caleb by the way is nine years old.) "Caleb, why do you want to keep these?" "Because I want them," he cried. "But why? What do they mean to you? What are you going to do with them?" He didn't have the answers to my questions and he knew I was right, but he had held on to the pieces of trash for so long he couldn't even remember why he kept them in the first place. All he knew was he didn't want to get rid of them. By now he started to sob, and I was getting frustrated. "Caleb, don't you want to make room in your drawers for some of your new stuff that you got for Christmas? If we get rid of this trash we can put good things in here." Still he cried. And finally I relented. The trash was not my trash, and the drawers were not my drawers to fill. I was only trying to help him, but it was obvious we were not going to get any where.

Now, you are all probably wondering why I chose to tell you this particular story from my day. Partly I told the story because I really haven't had anything else too exciting happen today. That was the biggest drama so far today, so I decided to share it. But as I was typing the story, "with my Xanga thinking cap on", I was thinking about how to connect the story to the rest of my little Xanga community. And one of Brian Baker's recent posts came to mind. (I'm still amazed by the power of God to use something as simple as an online journal to his glory.) You may want to check his post out before you continue reading mine, because it may help you understand, but for those of you who don't wish to check it out, I will still try to do the best I can at making this make sense for you. (http://www.xanga.com/brian_baker ) (Monday's entry)

Brian was speaking of dealing with old sins. This is what Paul has to say about it in the book of Romans while he is struggling with the idea of holding onto sin. Romans 7:15-25 (NIV):

¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[a] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do–this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

   ²¹So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God's law; ²³but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!

   This passage is one we briefly discussed during my exploring religions class last semester, looking at the idea of free will.  I'm glad that I am having the opportunity to take a deeper look at this piece of scripture.  Paul has accurately managed to put on paper, to place into words the feelings I feel when doing a self soul examination.  I look back at some of the things I do or say, sometimes long after the fact, sometimes immediately afterwards and think to myself, "WHY DID I DO THAT? I KNEW IT WAS WRONG BEFORE I DID IT, I KNEW IT WAS WRONG WHILE I WAS DOING IT, AND I KNEW IT WAS WRONG AFTER I DID IT!" Just like Paul, we want to do good, but it seems my sinful nature is too strong, that it can't be beat.  No matter how hard I try, no matter how wrong I know my sin is, I continue to commit it. This is  my own personal paraphrase of what Paul is discussing here in Romans. Now, what to take from this passage? Well, the first thing we should look at as a comfort to ourselves, if nothing else, is the fact that we are not alone in our struggles.  I am not the only one who continues to commit a sin that I hate. As Brian mentioned in his entry, Paul seemed to be a superChristian. I can't count how many times I have thought to myself, I wish I had the kind of walk with God that Paul did. I wish I had Paul's understanding, faith, and strength. Yet, here he is struggling with exactly the samething I find myself struggling with so often.  No, I am not a horrible person, nor a horrible Christian for committing a sin again and again. It simply means that I am human. 

The second and most important thing to look at here, is that Paul has presented us with a problem we relate to, but he has also presented us with the answer. Notice how he discusses the dilema with sin at depth and then give the answer in two sentences.

Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God–through Jesus Christ our Lord!

When we are struggling with our sins, even if they are old sins, often times we relate to Paul, but only as far as the "What a wretched man I am!" part.  We ask ourselves, why? Why do I do it, if I know it's wrong? Why can't I stop? What can I do different? We are asking the wrong questions. We are seeking the wrong answers. We know why we do it and why we can't stop.  The answer to both those questions is because we are sinful humans, with a sinful nature that we are NOT able to beat. The last question, what can I do different, or next time? This problem with sin is one that has existed since the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. What makes us think that we will be able to fix this problem today if even Paul was failing? The simple truth is we can't.  The answer to this problem is Jesus Christ ou Lord. Because of our sinful nature, we will never be able to beat our own sins.  We're simply not capable. We have nothing to bring to the board against our sin. But Jesus Christ brought everything to the cross. It is only through the blood of Jesus Christ that our sin can be beat. So, as a Christian who has accepted the forgiveness of that blood, how do I apply this to my current struggle with sin? I must remember that in order to beat my sin I am not the one who can do it. That I have to trust in that blood.  It requires discipline on my part. Prayer and daily time in the word, but we have to believe that the blood was shed for all of our sins, even the ones we continue to struggle with.

So, how does my earlier story about my little brother correlate? I hope that it has already started to become clear, but just in case it has not: Our lives are alot like Caleb's drawers that we supposed to be cleaning out today.  We keep alot of trash in our lives. Sometimes we keep it, without knowing why? Just like when I asked Caleb why he was holding onto the Starburst package, and the piece of tape, he couldn't tell me. But it didn't matter. He didn't want to get rid of them.  We often do that with our sins. Sometimes we hold onto a certain sin for so long, it doesn't seem like a sin anymore. Sometimes we have a sin in our life for so long, we feel like our "drawer" won't be complete with out it. Even though, it is just trash.  Just like Caleb's trash in his drawers, our sins take up space in our lives that could be filled with something good.  Keeping trash in our drawers, stops us from being able to put more good things in.

Sorry that I have been long winded tonight, but these are just some things for myself to think about and I wanted to share it. Thanks again to Brian for giving me something to write about yet again. :D And to Katie, just in case you are still reading this;) I hope that you will not stop reading me just because we disagree on certain issues. I was really lucky to get to know you in Jesse's class, you are a highly intelligent, great girl, and I really enjoyed talking with you in ER class.  I hope that when I come back to Kirksville to visit my ex-roomie, I can come visit you too! :D

Good night everyone!